Working with angry or distressed parents

Recognising distress in the early stages, using visual clues

When people are stressed they may not openly say how they are feeling or express their feelings clearly. If you are in a face-to-face situation with parents, look for visual clues, such as:

• Facial expression, particularly around the mouth (clenched teeth) and eyes (loss of eye contact)
• Body language such as clenched fists, changes in posture such as slumping or hunching of shoulders. Alternatively sudden moves to standing position or movements invading your own or another person’s space.

Recognising distress over the telephone

Over the telephone it is much more difficult to spot the warning signs. It is important to listen carefully for:

• tone and pitch of voice, for example, shrill, harsh tone, breaking or quavering speech
• the rate at which a person speaks
• breathlessness or sighs
• silences (these may indicate heightened emotion
• the person may change the subject or sound vague or
• start to distance him/herself from the subject saying “you”, “people” or “it” rather than “I feel” 

Responding to stress or anger

Some guidelines:

• remember that you are not likely to be the direct cause of the distress or anger
• it is important to try to distance your personal feelings from the facts and the situation.
• Offer to speak to them in a private setting (ie not the reception area)
• Avoid interrupting. Curtailing the flow only fuels anger or blocks tears
• When the parent stops for breath acknowledge the feelings expressed (“you’re angry about…” 
• Explore the circumstances more fully
• Allow silences as these can be constructive
• Summarise what has been said.

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Negotiating Strategies

• Be aware of your own body language. Adopt an open and non-threatening posture, speak softly even if the parent is shouting.
• Use “I” statements rather than “you” or “your” eg “I feel confused about some of the details you have told me” rather than “you are not making any sense” 
• Try to gain clarity about the parent’s situation or concern. This will help both of you to keep focussed and to establish the facts.
• Avoid hurrying the parent. If you do not have time, offer the parent a choice - either arrange an appointment or find someone else who can talk to them straight away.
• Avoid giving advice at this point as it is better to offer distressed or angry people a range of options
• Be clear about the boundaries of your role. However, ensure that you take responsibility appropriately. State clearly what you can do for the parent.

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